April 18, 2011

Possibility of today?
The Emperor and Hierophant, as well as the stars, are helping you to give your gifts in the world.  This work is coming from an inner truth...it is a past life gift.  But you are resisting it because of past life pain.  Get past the friction.  Go deep into the well and learn what it is you are to be giving. 

Medicine Path: Skill
Expressing your highest nature through your work is sometimes easiest when work is not exactly as wish it to be.  There are hidden gifts within friction.  Therein lies the secret way to gracefully life.  You are not what you do.  Your work is a higher mirror, providing a reflection from which to learn in your evolutionary process.  Then work becomes a higher skill. Come to the inner truth that produces true skill.

Tarot: The Emperor and the Hierophant
The emperor is the social word, the structure of civilization, a symbol for its law and order, may they be good or bad, but the power behind them. He is the abstraction of establishment, its stability and security.
The Hierophant - A day ruled by the Hierophant will be one filled with the opportunity to learn. It will be revelational, inspiring and interesting. If you allow yourself to be open to the forces that surround you, you WILL learn something important! So - pay attention!!!!





Goddess Deck:Isis

Isis is the goddess of motherhood, divine magic, alchemy and fertility.  She is feminine and can take care of business.  Her message is that the current situation, especially one that has you afraid to move forward, stems from a past life. Your roots upon this planet are strong and deep, some anchored in far away lifetimes.    They may be paralyzing you.   Sometimes you bury these memories to hind from pain.  Reveal those lessons to yourself now, strong sorceress, and move forward with the confidence that you have sage wisdom behind you.




IChing: 48 The well
The symbol of the well is ancient. Still, just as a well can be deepened to produce clearer, cleaner water, so can we enrich our lives by delving deeply within — into our natural selves, or souls.

Beware of shallow thinking. Like a little learning, it can be dangerous. The image of the well suggests that along with depth comes clarity. Be patient, and penetrate both your problems and your own nature to the core. If you do not lower your bucket to the depths, you're very likely to come up empty. When greater depth is desired, a lessening of speed is often required. 




Astrology

Wonderful opportunities

***

Valid during several days: This influence indicates the beginning of a new cycle of growth and progress. However, it is often the focus of exaggerated expectations. You may expect sudden windfalls, great wealth or luck, and all kinds of wonderful opportunities. And these things do happen sometimes with this influence, but most people should expect more subtle, but equally useful effects. Events now, such as meetings with persons or even changes in your psyche, open the way for you to become wiser and more mature and to have a broader understanding of the world. At this time you will reach out consciously and unconsciously and ask more of the world, but at the same time you are willing to give more to the world. This influence can make you feel either more demanding or more giving toward others, but you are not likely to get much out of it if you think only of what you can get. The law of conservation of energy in the universe says that you can transform the energies in your life from one form to another, but you cannot create them out of nothing. This influence represents a time when you should see whether you are doing that in your life. Concretely, you can expect persons who are good for you to come into your life. Or circumstances will arise that give you increased freedom or an opportunity to do something that you have never done before. Educational opportunities may come to you at this time, or a chance to travel. Sometimes this influence does in fact bring about financial advantage, but you should not sit around passively waiting for it to happen. This is an excellent time to invest or expand in business as long as you are very careful not to overdo it or overextend yourself.

 

In its negative aspects the card can represent the force of bad law in a society where stability is rated higher than morals or ethic. Once law and order are established as an institution, a bad emperor can turn out to be a disaster. And even at his best the Emperor is limited - he puts restrictions and borders to the spontanity of spirit and nature.

In a more personal view the Emperor might stand for a time of stability and structure, linear thinking and discipline. Yet we can't live without it, too many of those attributes will only lead to rational despotism and mental poverty. 



A sense of pleasure and reward, a sense of  human connection.  Get from heroine.  If never had that before...feel normal for the first time in your life. Why ayuauasca help. Shows baggage you've carried you're whole life.  No longer a part of you. Can be in present.  Shows you your full potential as a loving human.  You felt loved...felt self as love.  that's who we all are.

Tap the deepest well for sustained joy.

Each moment is pregnant with possibility.  Each milisecond contains all that is infinite joy and all that is infinite sorrow. Worry, self-doubt, fear of the future, fear in general, regret and control creates a living hell.  But the opposite is withing our reach.

Simply place your focus on to that which you wish for.  You must reach down into the very depth of your being and sustain it regardless of the whirlwind of mind and circumstance.  Kind of like the sign on the dentists office downtown: If you wish for happiness, don't be foolish enough to wait for a reason.  If you wish for love, connection, joy, contentment, empowerment and purpose, feel it now.  Everything is lining up to bring it your way.  Steeped in gratitude know -without a doubt - that what you hope for is in fact already  here. 


Medicine path: Force

The windhorse is an ancient symbol for the state of buoyant joy just before the apprentice enters the plane of enlightenment.  Force is a higher strength needed to endure the trials of consciousness and the tests of power in the north. The degree and quality of force with which you choose your target and shoot determine your power and success.  Follow your innermost passions in life.  Manifest your secret dreams.

Tarot: Prince of Cups
It teaches us about how to shape our desires into realities, and offers a powerful supportive energy to assist us.  The things that we wish hardest for, invest most energy into, manifest in our lives. This is why it is so crucial to be vigilant and watchful about the way we're thinking and feeling.  This card teaches us how to explore our dreams, our desires, our wishes and to propel them into everyday life.
 His energy will help us to achieve our aims. So select one thing that you really really want, and spend a little time visualising it, imagining what it would feel like to have it, or experience it, and then gather all your strong feelings up into a bundle and push them out into the Universe.

Goddess Cards: Lakshmi
 This is a kind universe, and everyone in it is working in your favor. There are not tests or blocks.  So quiet your mind from worries and fears.  Feel me brush your brow with a new energy of hope and optimisim.  These will fuel your exciting present time.  Step into the brightness that lightens your thoughts.  Clear your heart of fear and refuse to think of anything except your bright day and future.

Goddess:  Nara Varsa
Joy, protection, insight and weath.
Envision an unopened pink flower in the region of your heart.  Above the sun shines with the ink blue light of down and beats with the rhythm of your blood.  You feel your heart's petals open to embrace it, accepting the warmth and energy.

IChing: 47 Oppression
To endure hard times — or even grow and benefit from them — it is essential to tap that deepest stratum of personal identity, that which is deeper even than fate, and which is incorruptible by even the harshest realities. It is essential, in other words, to tap the wellspring of human endurance: hope.

In a sense, there is no such thing as failure. There is only sweet and sour reality, and more is learned from the sour, oftentimes, than from the sweet. For failure, hard as it may be to swallow, opens the blinds to the real world, and reawakens the clarity of vision known only to those who have risked, and tasted, disappointment. When in the throes of hard times, it is wise to be resolute and strong on the inside while remaining quietly cheerful on the outside. Avoid too much talking — except to your closest friends.

Astrology
This time can represent the culmination of successful effort, or it can be a time when the opposition becomes so fierce that you have to give up.  

committment to the joy of spirit

Commitment will set you free?  But to what are you committed?  Or rather, to what am I committed?

My self...with a small s?  That's isolating. 
My ego agenda?  That's simply frustrating.

Perhaps today's message is to commit (with a degree of focus and discipline) to the shining of the soul.  It's been a long, dark winter sitting in the shadows of my darkness.

Ostra says "start a new project."  The I-Ching says "your almost complete, but want these last few steps.".

Last night the great horned owl had a message for me.  The owl is tricky medicine - some fear it because of it's association with darkness, which is associated with the death, the myserious and the feminine.  The owl sees what is hidden, which makes most people uncomfortable.  We have a million and one strategies to hide our shameful secrets and inappropriate insecurities.  But the owl sees right through them to the truth of who you are...shadow and light.

The thing is...
We also try to hide our light.  We shrink from our divinity.
Last night, the owl told me it could see that as well.

So What is almost complete is the dark night of the soul, that last several years of sitting in sadness, fear, anger and stuckness. The time when I refused to run away any longer, but instead stop, sit and see what happened.

I'm finding gold.  The fertility that Ostara brings is the shining light of the soul...like the star that is seen only because it was held in the night sky.

Today is the day to commit to give birth to my light.  To use my discipline to shine up any vibration that resonates at a level that is not helpful to the upliftment of the world.  It is a time to start flying with the angels...  and chase away the evil spirits.

Blessed be.

Medicine Path: Committment
Need commitment to focus on your target. Knowing you will hit the bull's ey with every shot.  Requires your spiritual and physical being.  You need only the commitment to walk down the path though the gateway into your true destiny.  It is a process of gathering: your emotions, your mental strngth and your abilities.  It can be a long process, but it gives you endurance.  Materialize your dreams and begin to live them.


Tarot: 9 cups - Gain
Discipline, self-reliance, refinement.
Pursing a comfortable lifestyle, being tactful and diplomatic, seeking high-minded activities, remembering to be gracious, falling back on your own resources, reining in impulses, sacrificing to reach a goal, sticking to a program, taking a step-by-step approach.

Goddess Deck: Ostara
Fertility.  German Goddess who flies around to have been the divinity of the radiant dawn, of upspringing light, a spectacle that brings joy and blessing, whose meaning could be easily adapted by the resurrection-day of the christian's God. Bonfires were lighted at Easter and according to popular belief of long standing, the moment the sun rises on Easter Sunday morning, he gives three joyful leaps, he dances for joy [...]. Water drawn on the Easter morning is, like that at Christmas, holy and healing [...];

Goddesses: Tou Mou
Cleanising, luck, charity, karma, history.  She takes special notice of our actions and inactions today, keeping note on the karmic bank account.  Part of water festival...to chase away evil spirits.  Do something nice for elders today. Burn a green candle for prosperity.


IChing: 64 Nearing Completion
The situation is incomplete, but the chaos of the past is slowly giving way to order, and the goal is in sight. Nevertheless, you are still treading on thin ice — the way ahead is unobstructed, the goal is clear, but a cautious and careful attitude is essential, lest you slip and fall.  Proceed carefully, cautiously and alertly — then you will reach your goal.

Gurus, Bones & Furniture (Repost from 2009)

I just rearranged the furniture to undo 500 years of repression & anger.

Surprising? I know, it is not my usual M.O.  I mean I love to rearrange furniture (After all I AM a woman in the time of "Real Simple" and "Martha Stewart" magazines), but normally the process is  a creative release at best and a distraction from negative feelings at worst.  Today the activity had more purpose - the healing of collective wounds.

It's been an unusual day. Okay, week. Okay, year.   I've been mad.  I mean M-A-D, mad.  The kind you can feel through walls, from the other end of the house.  Yesterday, as my partner and I did some errands on the way to the "Medicines From the Earth" conference, I stewed. Waiting at the juice counter at the grocery store, a thought congealed, "I've been angry for...god...I don't know how long...Years?  Decades? Eons? For a long, long time.  And not healthy anger of the lioness.  No this is the unbecoming repressed anger that gets stuffed down deep, deep into the bones and then seethes out into the ethers. 

 As the thought came further into my awareness I realized I wasn't just angry at this beautiful, sweet, patient, spiritual man I profess to love, I was angry at MEN.  All Men...many of the men I claimed to love...even beyond that.  I was just plain pissed off.

It would be so simple to blame it on my parents (sorry guys)...you know the usual stuff we blame them for. "She did x" and "he did y" (fill in the blank).  And sure there may be some truth to that...but since I believe I picked my parents to fulfill my Karmic destiny the story must go beyond that.  And since blaming them hasn't worked for me in the past...I figured I'd go where I felt it most...to these old bones of mine.

The bones...mmm...the bones...the heaviest part of our bodies..the part made of minerals...the part that correlates to earth...to ground.  Sandy my yoga teacher up at HI is doing some work on the energy of bones...but she's pretty tight lipped about it.  Recently, I've met some earthy Taoist practitioners who introduced me to the concept of bone beating.  Bone beating entails taping 20 or so wooden dowels together and rapping them against your body.  I know, I know...it sounds crazy...but so did beating yourself with soaked birch branches in the saunas of Finland...and selling your house to tour via motor-coach (Dad)...and canoeing down a flooding river (mom)...or loving your dog beyond your budget (sis).    I may be crazy, but I something about it feels good...  Like a great yoga pose that you need to relax into...something that clears me out...unknots old habits...reconfigures patters. Mixes up my DNA.

That DNA comes from my parents...and theirs from their parents...and theirs from theirs...and back and back and back. Really, I got my DNA from the original man and woman.  Its in every tissue, every cell.  And if I have their DNA, then I have their history.  According to Mayatitandanda (a beautiful Ayurveda practitioner), I have their memory in my bones. 

Well, I can think of a few things from my Northern European descendant's history that might make me a little ticked off.  I've been reading lately about the Enclosures of England..of the persecution of midwives and healers (witches)...and the dismissal of Mary Magdaline by the council of Nicaea.  I don't know about you but I might feel a little angry about being forced into a role that casts me as a financial burden because my skills of animal husbandry, herbology and midwifery is no longer valued in a newly commodified world.  I might develop repressed anger about being burned at the stake because I was a skilled healer, a beautiful (or for that matter, ugly) woman, or competition for the rising medical profession.  I might be irrationally pissed off because my role as equal and empowered partner was reduced to that of mere whore.  Yeah...I guess there is some unacknowledged rage in them-there bones.

Ok, ok, ok.  How does this relate to furniture?

We'll I was talking to a new acquaintance today and we were sharing how sometimes we feel permeable.  For example, how sometimes the strong opinion of another, or their perception of reality  can make ours feel less real.  It's like I'm not heavy enough to hold my own opinion in the face of others. I blow around in the the wind of their ideas. The alpha dog's wavelengths colors my momentary reality.   (And here's an interesting tidbit...the word Guru is sometimes translated to mean heavy.  Like a guru is heavy enough that the opinions, ideas, and realities of others doesn't affect his/her ability to know the real truth of things.)

Even when other people aren't around, but I'm in their space, I can be influenced by the conviction of their ideas.   I do a lot of house sitting. The feeling I have of myself can shift depending on whose house I'm living in.   (this week at a dog sitting job I was content and peaceful, last year at another job I felt brittle ...at my    And those walls are heavier than I am.

 Rosita Avril (the student of Don Ellijo Ponti and the women who has lived in the back of my consciousness since I met her  20 years ago in the jungle of Belize)...was lecturing today about the properties of water (not quite as heavy as earth...more like the consistency of blood...but that's besides the point.)    She was saying that if you're drawing yourself a bath (or tea) and stewing on something negative, the water will absorb that energy and you'll end up bathing in that negativity.   She referenced the work of Dr Masaru Emoto, who photographed molecules of water after they were prayed over (images like snowflake) and then molecules after they were cursed at (murky sludge).  Again and again he got the same results.   So, if the bath can absorb the energy after a short while, what would 20 years inside the walls of a house do?

You all know, I live in someone else's house...and I don't know much about them. From what I can guess, it was very traditional (in the sense of the 1950's traditional.)  I love it out here...its beautiful AND sometimes I feel unlike myself.  It's like it can calls me to play some role that isn't really me....or the role my grandmother played and hated.  So, today...after the whole anger thing about being a repressed woman...the discussion about heaviness...and the lecture on the vibration of water...  I decided to follow in the steps of my new acquaintance and switch up the energy of the place a bit.   I decided I needed to put more of my own positive vibrations into the place I live...to make this my temple...and to do that i had break up the old patterns...like breaking up scar tissue.  Since I can't tear the walls down...or even paint..I moved the furniture around.  Then I lit some incense; prayed to the powerful females I know; and did a little jig. 

If I can break up the scar tissue held in the walls of this house, even if it is only symbolic, then maybe I can breakup the scar tissue held in my bones. If I can build walls of positive vibration, then just maybe I can build a body of one.  And then maybe with a clear vessel I can truly walk in empowered love. 

Tomorrow is the new moon.  A great time for casting new intentions.  I'm having some women over to celebrate.  My intention  for this new moon is for us to support and encourage each other in becoming powerful, loving, receptive beings.  In loving ourselves enough we can let ourselves  shine...become empowered loving women, sisters, partners....and perhaps heal these collective wounds in our bones. Too often I find myself competing with the women in my life...feeling inadequate...insecure...and not enough. Then I get angry at my friends...at their successes..at their dreams.  I find myself being less then whole, less than loving, less than...well less then me.   (again I wonder if this is a throw back from my competitive childhood household...or from Junior High...which in fact could just be a throw back to  a time when women  had to compete with each other to find a good mate so we would be taken care of and survive.)

I want to create new soil in which to grow.  David Weiss is a agriculturist from South Carolina I met today at the conference.  His occupation is to put nutrients back into the soil to alleviate the Hemlock Wooly Adelgid blight.  He hypothesizes that if the soil is sound and full of the proper trace minerals and macronutrients then the tree will be healthy and can resist the disease.  I want to do the same thing in my life...i want to put the trace minerals and macronutrients of love, support and encouragement back into my soil so that I can resist the blight of anger, rage and blame.  There is so much love and support and encouragement around me.  From my dear, dear sisters to my profound brother...from my loving parents to my inspired teachers...I am loved and encouraged.  Since my bones have been carrying the vibration of anger...I've been a bit blinded to this.   

But I'm moving the furniture around...getting heavy and light at the same time. Creating more space, making better soil, and letting in the light.  It's a new time and a new tribe. 

Blessed Be. 

 

A PRAYER TO THE FAMILY TREE (AND OTHER VOICES IN MY HEAD): re-post from 2009:

I had dinner in the house of Magick and Mystery tonight. That’s what I’m calling a 19^th century brick Victorian gingerbread that you might find in an Alice in Wonderland scene, or (to honor the owner) a Tom Robbins novel.  It would take too long to describe it adequately, so instead just imagine Dr. Seuss meets Colonial England with a seasoning of chaos and inspired unexpected.  In the main boudoir (and it IS a boudoir, complete with grand piano and antique sofa) hangs a print by Norman Rockwell.  It is his family tree…the astonishing family tree. 

The image is of the red-haired archetypical golden boy of the 1950's.  And to his left is his proper-house-wife mother, and right his business-as-usual-bread-winning father.  As the tree goes back, the characters get more interesting.  There is the gypsy, the native American, and the pirate.  So unexpected, so passionate and exotic, so...ASTONISHING.

It got me thinking about my own family and their lineage. 

I always dread any neo-hippy ceremony when we’re asked to the “call in our ancestors”.  Don’t get me wrong…I’m grateful for mine.  I’m sure that I wouldn’t be sitting here now using these very real fingers to type this lovely diatribe if it weren’t for each and every one.   And I bet they were a fine bunch of folks.  But damn, some days I feel the weight of their souls in every cell of my being.  I feel the heavy dankness of each numbing addiction, every clinging desire, all ignorant prejudices, and all matter of beliefs, goals, truths and nonsense.  It’s heavy, inert, depressing.  Talk about a downer.

I wonder, why not an upper? Why not lightness?  Why not gaiety?  Why not love and beauty, support and guidance? I guess that’s the point when we’re asked to call them into the circle - to recognize their unique talents and strengths…their shared lessons…their exquisite gifts.  I wonder why do those things feel less alive in my bones than the grief, shame, hate, anger, jealousy, and greed?

Am I simply stuck in pessimism?  Falling prey to the negative vibrations of discontent learned from the world around me.  Instead of feeling the joy of my ancestors and their wisdom as they live on through me, perhaps I’ve adopted other voices from my past and allowed them to worm their way into my DNA?  The half-baked lovers, teachers and friends I clung to for refuge in times of unknowing who offered well-intentioned but potential inaccurate and even harmful advice?  Has those opinions of what is right and good turned into should’s and ought’s that now whirl like a blurry knife that slivering me off from my authentic self and family, requiring me to vigilantly question and doubt every minute experience?

In times like these it’s helpful to remember the wisdom of Buddha,

 “People with opinions just go around bothering one another.”

So with that, first let me call out to the universe of completion and rebirth, ”I no longer will fall prey to another’s story of reality.  I am WILLING and READY to trust my own self.  I am here to remember who I truly am and respect that above all other things. To be like Jesus or Socrates and DIE rather than give up the conviction of whom I really am and what I truly believe in.  Fools with opinions be damned. “

Second, I make a request.  “Family tree…I know somebody, somewhere was a great singer, a profound artist, a practical statesman and a masterful magician!  Let me feel those gifts coursing in my blood, singing in my bones, emanating from my aura.  Offer those gifts as my inheritance.  Grant me the permission to toss the Louis Vinton trunks and freight train baggage of disempowerment into the Ganges, Nile, or whatever sacred river you’d like.  The French Broad is just down the road. Will that do?”

With the anger, hate, shame, and guilt gone.  I want welcome you in as you are.  But, since I do not know you by proper name, I will call you into the circle as I know you to be.  Ancestors, I’d like to call in:

Wild flowers and fir trees…and the fig trees too.

….Quan Yin and Hanaman

Brother wolf and sisters eagle

The loving Tara and the fierce Sekmet. 

  … Armetis,  Maat, and some rich, dark African Queen whose name is unknown to me

Dragons…

…. and brightly painted Brahmin Cows!!!!

                                         …and great, great grand father tortoise too.

Deep pools of clear, lightly perfumed water from forest streams

       ….and newly formed cherry blossoms

Late night games of charades on the front porch

      …and canning the garden harvest into the green mason jars of my imagination.

Unicorns,

the Phenoix…

                        …and  the Siberian tigress

Magicians and Alchemists

            … Seers and Sages

 Medicine Women

            …Priestesses

Warriors: Zen, Hindu and wild women of the Americas. 

…Poets: profound and passionate

Music and Merry makers.

            …Scholars and pens.

The spirits of the small stone church west of Astorga Spain…

            …Ajax Mountain and the woods out back

The Calligrapher and the Archer…
  ....and  faery folk of my youth

            …and the soft subtle sweetness of my own heart.

I’m beginning to remember now.

The members of this lineage have been very patient with me as I learn to disengage from the world of black and white and good and bad.  I am coming back to the world of grey-dation…and with your help I am learning to live vibrantly there. 

Like the great goddess Durga who received a boon from each of the Gods and Goddesses of the Hindu Pantheon, each of you have give me a treasured gift. I promise to wield them all with great respect.  And allow myself to express the power of an authentic imperfect self. I remember you well…as you were…singing yourself into existence.

Dear Ancestors…I am honored to call you into my circle. I will never forget you again. Stay if you can, go if you must, A-ho and fair thee well. 

good conversation

The Yolk of Polite and Proper strangles what could otherwise be an interesting and erotic play of ideas and energies.

The Muse

Stepping out of the corner
I sang the song of myself
and all eyes turned.

Terrified, I shrunk
not wanting the responsibility
of what was inspired
or evoked

The ego works both ways
too big and
too small

Either way, it chokes the voice of God

Zorya says:
Listen to the whispers of your own heart
and roar through the cases of misperception.

Breakfast

I wake afraid
not sure what to do next
but wanting to get it right

There is not enough
and too much at the same time

So I breathe
and wait

Seems I've been waiting a long time...
Saying I can't

What if I could?
Then what?

What if everything I want is already there
hanging on the lowest branch waiting to be plucked?
What if God is my alley
and my heart the clear channel to receive

Turn it on and
Listen

Through the heart I touch the vibrancy of color
I hear the sound of melody
I sense the secret magic pregnant in each moment

The need to do something
be something
show something
melts away
and the corners of my spirit lift into a soft smile.

Lack and overwhelm is a trance cast by the head
Presence is something felt in the heart.

Zorya says:
When you wake each morning
Crack open your heart
and have IT for breakfast

The frontline

We are born
and we die
In between we fill up our lives
not in distinct intervals
but in the fluid movements
between now and now

It is an ever changing
border held taught
between the face-paced whisper
of past and future
Easy to miss in the distractions of shoulds and oughts.

To live on the front line means to face the terrifying truth
The truth of your own fear, pain, joy and despair
Face its full potency head on and in the moment
And take responsibility for it.

Zorya says: Stand boldly on the edge of  your own life
Keep pace with the spark of co-creation.

The Illusion

Walking silently
she felt the warmth of his radiance

And mistaking it for something else
she wove him into the very fabric of her existence.

Until one day, he left
And with him her Joy.

They call it idolatry
replacing the love for God
with the love of a mortal

But spirit comes in many forms.
The maya was in believing he lived outside of her

When loving remember this sacred truth:
As above, so below
As within, so Without

Zorya says: Forget the form of your own projections
Simply love life.

Evening meditation

I wasn't enough
and he saw

I wasn't enough
and she saw

I wasn't enough
and they saw

Now its true
My own beliefs confirmed.

This is the voice of the personality.

Patanjali says, study the self

So Hum
So Hum
So Hum

That's so much more interesting.

Zorya says: remember who you truly are.

Dance of Intimacy

I want structure
What words will come out unrehearsed
will they reveal my soul
will i be embarrassed

You may see my underpants
and the judgments I try to hide

They say the light the dark no difference
yeah, but who's listening

You will surely see the dark
and the fears
and I will feel ashamed

NO!

MY Heart!

Listen to the heart.

ba-bam...
ba-bam...
ba-bam...

My heart has sweetness
it is tender
like the soft flutter of a white moth's wings

The heart
pumping organ of blood
of light
of life

Weaving a million and one light beings
through the layers of my body
Little entities in their own right
sparkles and rainbows...and bubbles

Does that sound right?


NO!
HEAD!


LISTEN

Listen to the heart

It feels hard,
like a fist
There is sinew tightening around it

But it moves
It is breaking free
and underneath a softness
like the brush of the night owl's wings

The feathers expands
reaching out
reaching out
reaching out

Reaching out for the touch of your heart
And they gently meet in the magic of the air molecules.

Something else bursts forth into existence.
The divine third.
The thing that exists between you and me


They call it God.

Be Silent.

Feel.

Can you feel me?
Can I feel you?
Are we one?
Can you feel it!?

We touch

And I Recoil.

What is so scary?
This intimacy of heart?
This intimacy of being?

Am I simply afraid to die?
To die to myself?
Am I afraid of a world of infinite possibilities?
Is the freedom to be without structure, without rules really so scary?

Yes and No all at the same time.
It means being real.
And showing my underpants.

So let us take a deep breath
Look into each others eyes
and be silent.

Let's let our hearts touch
without lust
without greed
without past and future.

Let's simply let them caress each other.


BEAT
   POUND
      TOUCH

RECOIL

BEAT
   POUND
      WHISPER
           TOUCH

RECOIL

BEAT
   POUND
      WHISPER
           TOUCH
               EXPAND
                  SWIRL
                     EXPAND
                          CARESS
                                EXPAND
                                    DANCE

We are one
We are one
We are one

ba-bam

And now we are two

Zorya Says:
Dance the Dance
Dance the Dance
Dance the Dance

Whether the wings of your heart are as subtle as a butterfly
or as bold as an eagle
Spread them wide and embrace the dance of love
What else is there...really?

   

Moment-to-moment...the gift of travel

She lives constantly on a border. On the thin line held tautly between the past and the future, and it moves at breakneck speeds that can dizzies her head sometimes, especially when she holding too tightly.

This flowing solid boundary of her lives is ephemeral.  In one moment She gazes into the mesmerizing  eyes of a stranger, imagining him as her life-long lover, and in the next her hand is slowly pulled from his as the Tsungtow drives away from the pier, he on his way to the next island and never to be seen again.  In one moment she's seated on her mediation cushion over a reflecting pool complete with waterfall and koi fish, vowing to always pay this much attention to detail, and in the next she's on an plane over Japan gulping down microwaved food and zoning out to some badly made movie.

It's during times of travel that this boundary is revealed so clearly to her, as the repetition of her daily life melts away.  She is so focused on what is clearly temporary that she becomes more present to it. 

In her daily life, her friends can sometimes feel her pull away slightly with her mind, caught in memories or future dreams.  What they don't know is that sometimes she's simple trapped in the cycle of repetitive compulsive thoughts on subjects that have occupied her since she was a little girl.  The mind STILL believing it can figure it out if it simple chews harder. She had felt it too with her mother, knowing she wasn't there but not knowing how to pull her back and connect with her. So she tried to go there too.  Now it was habit whenever she felt uncomfortable...or when she went unconscious.

When her life force would ebb, due to the wrong foods, bad habits or lack of practice, she was lulled into thinking "this is how it will always be", and so didn't feel like she missed much when she drifted away. 

That is where she has been mistaken. It is how she was missing her life, or as her dad has said since time began, why "life happens to us as we are making other plans."

But now, here, in the beauty and softness of Siam, she gets the message that she had planted in her subconscious over 5 years ago.  To wake up again, she needed to start "consciously continuously showing up...moment-to-moment."

The universe had been sending her this message through Rainbow Heart, the American Peruvian Shaman, for many weeks before she left. "Love is about be firecly present," she would say. But the words had stayed somewhat remote, even as she practiced accepting and appreciating. In the subtle folds, love had become a strategy for getting what she wanted.  Now it was blossoming in her heart as a way of being, simply because it made more sense.

So she began  to surf the wave of Now.

Recognizing that the fast moving ephemeral place may be short but it is immensely wide.  It contains and endless array of potentials and possibilities. When she fully showed up on that line, magick happened. She would put lotus flowers on her breakfast plate even when she ate alone, She would find the kung fu in shoveling snow, and she would create random acts of beauty and senseless acts of kindness.  It's where she found peace amidst all the shades and shapes, moods and situations.

 "Be here now" was more than a trendy concept that elevated her ideas of knowing.  It was the way of life.  To love life...to live a life she loved...she simply had to show up.

And as she relaxed she breathed in now.  Finally noticing the cranes as they flew over the rice paddies of Siam.

I choose adventure...arriving Thailand

She wakes.  Head dull. Groggy from hurling her body through space at 500 mph for 20 hours.

Nothing is known.  Her subtle body slightly contracts as the foreign smells and sounds put her adrenals on high alert.  Anything could be a potential threat...or so her reptilian brain tries to convince her.

The sun is low in the horizon - she must have slept most the day away after arriving in the dead of night at the little Shanti Oasis in the heart of Bangkok.  Her will is ready to get this party started, but her mind is still somewhere over the Pacific.

A Thai massage.  That is what is needed.

She walks, sensed overwhelmed, to Koh San Road.  Its not what she expected, though she wasn't aware she was expecting something.  It's just like all the other backpacker roads she's seen - Mexico, Puerto Rico and New Jersey. Junky trinkets costing twice as much as they're really worth.  Here its flowery dresses, poorly made jewelry and Buddha statues.  As well as, "Get your hair dread locked" stations, fire spinning tools and the women in cartoon versions of traditional costumes selling  little percussive wooden frogs.

The frogs are following her.  Every time she turns a corner, there they are with their staccato pulse. RRRRRtttttt...RRRttt. 

They invoke memories.  Even here he haunts her.  Is there no place she can go where she is not reminded of his presence?!  He's like a ghost in her heart that will not be exorcised.  9000 miles and still no peace.  It really is true - where ever you go, there you are.

She finds nourishment from fresh papaya at Kaidee's vegetarian restaurant.  Then looks for her massage.

This journey is one of the soul...its about finding her heart again and listening to her inner guide.  So she follows her intuition down an alley, to a brothel-like massage parlor and gets ripped off...twice.  Perhaps her guides are still over the Pacific as well.

This too must be seen as an opportunity...but she's too tired to contemplate it.

Maybe protein will help, after all she's been fasting for 2 days as it was purported to help with jet lag. So far she's not convinced.  From a street vendor she orders a pancake with egg, choosing to skip the canned condensed milk topping.  The 1000 armed cook provides great entertainment with his speedy preparation.

Back at the oasis, sleep eludes her.  So she sits in the closed restaurant as the cleaning lady sweeps out yesterday's garbage.  A drunk french man is surprised when she declines his apparently generous offer to have sex with him.  He double checks, 5 times, to make sure she understands what she is potentially passing up.

The next day, alone in her room, she gets up and ventures back out into the exotic land.  She erupts in a delightful cascade of giggles when she stumbles into the wonders of the early morning Thai food market.  There's not a trinket or Farang in sight.  Instead, its the most delectable array of life giving substances, most of which are entirely unrecognizable to her.  It's all fresh, and green...and sometimes brown and red.  There is something steamed in a banana leaf and it's only 5 baht (less than 10 cents) so she investigates.  Banana and sticky rice. YUM!

Further down she finds the meat section - slabs of pork, strange fish in glass pots, dead frogs, and intestines.  Repulsed by the smell.  KAPOW!  Her soul shows up, and the outer layers of her being begin to unwind. 

Now THIS...this was her unrecognized expectation. In the midst of animal flesh she finds the passion, richness and the realness of life that had eluded her in the sterile sadness possessing her soul after the dissolution of a relationship she had unconsciously attached her dreams to.  Here, in a tight alley, filled with life, death and exuberant barter, the void of aloneness begins to fill her up.  Alive and juicy, she arrives.

And the adventure begins...
or rather begins again.